theator workshop crisis

 From last 3 days I have been not feeling myself; depression, anxiety are top of my life right now. I have been crying in between lectures. I have tried almost every possible distraction but nothing seems helpful to me. 

I have been asking one question to myself that how people, specially old people cop up with the grief feeling? I asked to many person same question but all of the answers are not satisfying. I have decied to ask same question to my Hod. She is kinda rol model to everyone. Even her answer is not satisfying to me. I am not sure what I am looking for but I dont want to listen someone else's story and do compering. Pain is never be comparable, no one should do that. You dont know what other person has been going through or what they are struggling right now. Everyone should know that each pain is different, you cannot heal one person's pain with other person's healing technique. 

The shittest thing i have ever heard is; be inspire from other people, if they can survive in their critical timing so can you. I mean are you even real? We are not talking about money here, its the pain we are talking about. You can not take inspiration from other person. Even if you do so all you can focus on negetive example which are mostly involve suside, one way or another. If some one ask me the same question, I am not sure what will I tell to them but this is not gonna be my answer for sure. Each timeline is different. 

I have been crying so much that my eyes are in pain. 

Distraction; I have tried every possible distraction, even sex but nothing is working. at the end of the day you are there. Alone. With your pool of feelings.

I am doing every possible thing but the work I should do.

Now I can identify my depression. I know that wave is coming. I just don't know how to control my emotions. Meditaion. I have tried that as well. When I do meditaion, things that cleared in my mind is my Questions. Ananswerd questions. Answers are hard to find in this stupid world.

Emotionally Fucked up

 After a mental dilemma and crying for a while, I have decided not to communicate with him. But life presented a chance coincidently. Fucking coincidence. I hate nothing like I hate coincidences, but it's like keep happening. Anyway, I cried myself to sleep but I got a call from him nearby at 12:30am. He was nearby so he gave me a call for a smoke up. I went. We talked about why he was nearby and not getting a place to smoke up. just that. whenever we are together, I miss laughs, looking at one another and smiling, showing me that you actually care, I am not saying that fall for me but a little care wouldn't hurt. I am missing that desire with him. That's makes me the same vulnerable as I was before. 

I am glad that we had that conversation. He said you can't give someone something that you don't have. He said he does not want to care or be light-hearted about me. Nothing is sexier than a person who knows what does he/she wants & I respect his choices. After 2 mins of mental chaos in my mind and silence in the car, I had decided to wish him a Good night.

We didn't think about the future, what if the situation presents something, I am not sure how to react to that. Let's just say that I am so emotionally fucked up that I can't see what is in front of me.

sex

I used to think that if I will get one night stands; my craving for sex will reduce but even after having one night stands, it remains the same. I had 3 one night stands with the same person, I am not sure if it is a one night or casual dating, we did not go there yet so I am not allowed to name it.

During this time I have had satisfactory sex but still, something is missing and I am more people to find that something. if I talk about myself; I know for sure that just sex is not enough for me. I want to be loved desired and in one night stand you cannot expect that from the other person, now I know what is meaningless sex. Facts should be something that makes you vulnerable to your person, there should be laughs during sex, it is not a dynamic process that should end in a certain way. sex is not about the end but it is about the journey, we can say that orgasm is a byproduct of sex. I am not getting that type of sex. nowadays I feel like sex is not happening in the real world the way I dreamt of it but it is happening in my mind the way I want. that really fuckes me up. Though I am grateful to him for openness and for transparency. he is the person I want for myself right now. 

I often feel like I am scared of sharing my perspective. Eventually, in the end, it is gonna be hurtful for sure so instead of sharing I keep things to myself, that way it is gonna be less expectation from the other person. plus opening up with the other person is like going through the whole process all over again. after some point in life you can be done with everything and I am facing the same problem here. I am fucking done with everything but I don't know what to do about my sex craving.

satisfaction

  At this point of my life, when i am having Casual sex, I can deffrenciate the diffreentce between emotional satisfaction and physical satisfaction.

I knew before that both are the diffrent thing but as we did not experience it, i do not know the difference. my both need was fullfilled by the same person without asking it.

what i really feel about needs is that needs are unavoidbale, if you are hungry you are & you need to feed yourself there is no other way. just like that when you feel like you need sex, you need. but what the change is that you can ask for physical satisfaction but emotional satisfaction is not asked for.

If there is a stain on your cloth, you have tried everything to remove it but it won't go away and after some point of time you have accept that stain. your cloth are very more important than stain. just like that, i have accepted stain in my life and i am sure that it won't go away but i can't do anything about it so i have accepted.

life is shit and as long as you are on this fucking planet, you have to live this shit. sometimes even get-together your shit.

after some point of life its been decided that nothing will makes you happy

tinder

 so yes, i have download tinder and made my id on  that.

for 24 hrs i dont want to see the options that tinder has to offer,

Fun fact: in that 24 hrs, 3 ppl has sent me my id's screen shot.

after that time finally i have carage to see boys, trust me, there are many boys that is my type, physically i can say, i havent talk with them so dont know nature.

there is one id which says, only here for hook ups. 

i messaged him and we finallised date for meeting, next day one night stand.

today is the day, i suppose to meet that guy today. 

i find it very strange and confusing and risky and many what ifs scenario. 

so i have deleted my account on tinder, after having lots of overthinking,  roller coster of mood swings and my fucking mood is still not good. 

Having hate feeling for god, cursed him/her

.........

 My focus on so much off center now

And

This is not good for my any health.

I just want my life to move. Even if I shifted in ahmedabad nothing feels changed or moved. I feel like I am still seating at my rooftop in udaipur, everything is changing but me.

And I am so much tired of that.

No matter how much I tried, nothing makes me feel colorful, cheerful, or enthusiastic.  All I can feel is tension, heart break, heartache, depression, and life is not moving in any direction. 

All I want with my life is to moved, I don't care in which direction. Any direction is fine but just move somewhere you fucking stupid manipulative life. Or just come to an end.

Confusion

 So finally I gather all of my courage and messaged him, I got response positively. 

It's been shit feeling till now and from now as well. Its gonna be more shittier or I'll became emotionally numb.

It's hard to cheat on your boy friend. Nomatter your boyfriend is alive or not alive.

I have my final exam in an hour but all mind is occupied with cheating and sex and if I can pull this of and what if I can be total different than I am now? 

There is so many what if's going on in mind.

My life is as fucked up as my exam will be.

I am worried that why I am not worrying about my exam.

Every time I feel pressure about exam but I'm not feeling any pressure like it doesn't matter, and I am feeling so much pressure for sex. Sex is feeling like exam now 

My head is spinning 

I am not sure weather it's because of exam or I'm not we or my sex life is gonna be active and it's not gonna be like before. 

thinking and overthinking

 i have had very weird sex dreams and its been series of sex dreams that i cant ignore. so i have decide to have sex. now the point is who is gonna be the person? how can i find new person? am i able to do that? that question is still not well answered but i have given thoughts to that. 

many thoughts.

mnay imaginary scenarios, you can say hundreds.

it was not cleard in any things, i am still uncure that i can pull that of.

even if i have imagine it hundreds of time, i still can not send a simple message. 

i am not sure i can do anything about it.

this sucks

this situation is fucking nightmare, nightmare that never ends.

i have never find sex so hard, but i guess if you dont have your person by your side, everything feels difficult. so is sex.