sex

I used to think that if I will get one night stands; my craving for sex will reduce but even after having one night stands, it remains the same. I had 3 one night stands with the same person, I am not sure if it is a one night or casual dating, we did not go there yet so I am not allowed to name it.

During this time I have had satisfactory sex but still, something is missing and I am more people to find that something. if I talk about myself; I know for sure that just sex is not enough for me. I want to be loved desired and in one night stand you cannot expect that from the other person, now I know what is meaningless sex. Facts should be something that makes you vulnerable to your person, there should be laughs during sex, it is not a dynamic process that should end in a certain way. sex is not about the end but it is about the journey, we can say that orgasm is a byproduct of sex. I am not getting that type of sex. nowadays I feel like sex is not happening in the real world the way I dreamt of it but it is happening in my mind the way I want. that really fuckes me up. Though I am grateful to him for openness and for transparency. he is the person I want for myself right now. 

I often feel like I am scared of sharing my perspective. Eventually, in the end, it is gonna be hurtful for sure so instead of sharing I keep things to myself, that way it is gonna be less expectation from the other person. plus opening up with the other person is like going through the whole process all over again. after some point in life you can be done with everything and I am facing the same problem here. I am fucking done with everything but I don't know what to do about my sex craving.