and i choose

 after my last conversation with him, I am not sure that we can be continuing this while he has some different thing in mind than I do. 

but anyway I decided to give him a message and surprisingly he said yes. it was a well-spent weekend with him. but what got me thinking is, my tinder was full of matches with the boys I like and yet I have decided to message him instand go on adventurous dates.

I have analysed my behaviour. what I found was very shocking. I choose comfort over adventure. That was so not me. But I guess no I am that person. It's true that whenever I am with him, He knowingly or unknowingly gives me comforting vibes. I don't have to be someone else in front of him. In other words, I can be myself without thinking that what will he think. & I choose that. what else got me thinking is, if I am not able to leave comfort, how can a married couple leave their partner? maybe that's why people are not leaving a toxic relationship, & decided to stay there only even when it's toxic. I feel like I am becoming an old person. This is the truth and I easily can accept that.

What's hard with him is, to talk. The deep conversation turns me on, I really want that but he is hard to talk to. I am not sure if he decided that don't open himself to me, or I am not making him that comfortable, or he wants something else & I am unwanted there. I am not sure what is the reason but I am trying hard to talk and fail each time. I gotta stop making fools myself.