When death is following but not takeing you

 

Have you ever thought about death? 

People think that this is a sensitive topic so no one is talking about it, but when you think practically about it, you have to face it whether you like it or not. Society prepares us for every possible career or life situation but they forgot to prepare us for the ultimatum.

What is death to you? have you ever thought about that?

Well, I feel like death is following me everywhere, but I am not afraid of death. If you accept the fact that the ultimate aim of your life is death, it isn't scary anymore.

Have you thought that one day you will wake up and you are not dead? You have to do all those ridiculous pointless stuff to survive. Surviving it is fucking hard stuff. You have to go through daily chores. Work for something that you don't like, for some dollars or rupees. Why is there no one talking about the real shit?

I feel like death has been following me but not catching me for a while. When I left Udaipur I feel like everything has been left behind. it is never going off my mind but at least it is not coming with me. But when I went to Jal Mahotsav, two people had died from a paramotor and there is not any possibility that we can help them. Then I came to Ahmedabad, and I joined Scarlet. 

At the very first wedding, one of our drivers had been passed away because of a heart attack.

At first, I was thinking that it was all just my mind but it is not. Wherever I go people are dying, I feel like I am the carrier of the death. I am so much of freight of it that I can’t, won’t, don’t want to be involved with anything, that's why I am making distance from my friends, I am not talking to my family enough, I am so much scared to join a new company, sometimes I just don't want to go out of my room and face the world. I am like bad news. And it is giving me so much pain that because of me so many things are happening with someone else's family. I am knowingly or unknowingly causing pain to others. I feel like I am kind of cursed and I should not be allowed to live a normal life.

Have you ever felt that or am I the only one? Well, of course, I am the only one.

DEPRESSION HUNGOVER

 Yes, this thing exists. at last I am feeling it once in a while. 

So last night I cried so much on the bus over so many feelings.

When I woke up today, I was not feeling alive at all, even coffee couldn't help me at that time. 

For the whole day, my eyes are burning, and my head is not functioning properly. I could feel the weight on my heart and my empty stomach add the pain. I can feel pain running through my vain, I literary identify pain moving here to there. I am overly conscious without being high. 

Even after I ate, my weight couldn't lift. I am thinking of every possible way to die naturally. Yes, naturally. I feel pain in my eyes, heart, stomach, and muscles from head to toe I can feel that pain. And this pain is so much that I couldn't think of anything other than death.

And when I was thinking about dating or something into casual sex or meeting someone. all felt pointless because in my case I know that I don't want kids like ever. and I don't want to compromise with my partner, what I want I want. and in this Era it is really hard really really hard to find someone who does not want to have kids and just to be with you. So I don't find a point to meet someone to know someone to waste your energy on someone and at some point of time they are like ready to get married and want to have kids and you are like not there and your heart will break again. 

I read it somewhere that you are not afraid to love, but you are afraid is to feel the same pain again.

At this point in my life, I feel like I totally understand that statement. I don't want anyone to get attached to me or other way around. It is so much freaking hard to process the pain to lose someone when you can have every thing. When you are almost there, when you almost had it all. When there is no one to stop you to be with the other person. When you are almost a power couple. We were power couple I know that for sure. 

People are saying that I am living in the past and I feel that too. But I don't want to create a future when I will love someone and someone does not love me back, or someone fall for me and I do not fall for him, or everything was right in either of you die. I don't want to feel the pain again and I don't want someone else to feel the same pain that's why I'm feeling like I'm not gonna be doing anything like this. So no for dating, no for wedding, no for kids. 

I still don't understand why people produce the kids all of the people I like with cars and bruises and child trauma and what are the passing on to the Child, the same thing? I'm like so much done with this fucking world that I don't want to contribute I don't wanna let any other lives out of me to be here to continue the legacy and what the fuck is the legacy thing I don't understand. 

I really feel like to go into melivur pit and die there. I don't want people to remember me after I die. There shouldn't be any Bina at the first place. But now I am here and I feel like I am really really old, already dead, just waiting for actual death to come and put me out of my misery.

This is just a tip of the iceberg that how depression feels. I try to avoid writing when I was feeling very much into deep shit. After that feeling was gone I feel really relieved and forgot most of the part that I was feeling shit. I feel like when ever I was having that kind of waves of depression I will do something suicidal and later I might have forgotten why I did that in the first place. But I don't want to come to my senses, I want to die before I come into my senses. No memory no regrets. Fun life or death.

This is sometimes I felt like 70% of time. Sometimes I feel like I will die out of heart attack. I can make this statement because I can understand my pain in my heart I can understand Tension, pain is like somebody is poking in my heart, and the subject is very sharp. It is not cutting me in half but it is making a hole in my heart. How do I feel that hole and pain and depression. 

Depression is not good, do not recommend it to anyone.

Sejal's wedding

 I went in a wedding. it was my cousin's. Ateending all the function, couldn't help but imagine Sanyog and I together performing all the ceremony together. I litterary imagine us together doing that. God, He was looking breathtaking. I can just look at him and imagine how come I got this much lucky. Tears rolls down from my eyes and it was really hard to keep it together when everyone is around and your mind is playing diffreent story.

When we worked together, we attend two weddings. we were short of together in every function. when its comes to feras and vows, I felt like we are exchanging vows. I rember that Inbetween the vows he looked at me and felt like he looked right through me and we both exchanged that vow, without actually saying a word.

It was beautiful feelings. Like he hugs you or kissed you at your forehead even from the distance you can feel that. 

when i left from the wedding, in the bus I cried so much. Remembering that I had it all. Now, I don't see any point of my as a living breathing human being. I am like good as dead. I am living dead.

Matching pattern with Sanyog

 I do remember his journey of being independent. first, he bought a camera. then he raises his price. he bought a trolly bag. lastly, he bought a blazer suit. If he could have lived any longer things add to that box for sure. I feel like I am following the same pattern, knowingly or unknowingly. 

I started a journey of meeting sanyog as soon as possible. and I moved out of Udaipur and join master classes(bought a camera), i raised my price in freelancing for the event industry. Now I bought a Trolly bag too. If we both follow the same pattern then I am just One blazer suit away from meeting him. I just can't wait to meet him. I have a lot to tell him. Golu, If you are anywhere nearby me. I wanna sleep into your arms, hug me, darling. I wanna talk to you the whole night. I want to listen to your snoring.

You have no idea how much I miss Sanyog. If I die anytime soon. after reading this you might know that its not something you should be upset about me dying because I am planning everything. or perhaps the universe has already planned out whole event. fucking universe! When everything comes together, its not just hard to control my emotions but Its hard for me to see myself crying without having any control over my feelings whatsoever. 

when everything feels like falling apart

 I talked to Ahanaa after we decided not to talk. parth's mom called and it's been triggering for her. we had a long conversation and last she asked, how am I doing? 

I really don't know how am I doing. last week my sis came to visit me, that's been a very busy weekend. inbetween he called and made a plan to meet up. and all I was thinking about is all the red flags and how can I say to him that I am not happy. I want something else. I want you to be as much invested as I am investing myself here. I feel like I am using him for sex. I don't want to do that. Even if we are having meaningless sex, that should be fun. I miss fun, smiling, and talking. If one person is not enjoying, there is no meaning to sex. Sometimes I do feel like he is not enjoying it.

I can skip it anytime but why I haven't done it yet? Because he gives me an adult vibe. I do want to feel like a lady, which I am very lacking since I started college. It is like I am living in a parallel world. Living two lives at once. Once I feel like something is not okay, all I can think is something is wrong with me. I forgot how to have sex, build intimacy, and make other person feel comfortable around you when he is trying to open up. I feel like I lost my touch. I have been numb for a while, now aia just wants to feel something. I wanna feel a couple of things twice. I am not getting that. so I am feeling devasted sometimes, sometimes sad. sometimes good, sometimes exciting, sometimes happy. I just want to feel that emotion. enough of the numbness. It started with switching my humanity switch. And I am not sure how long it has been for him as well, maybe he is also trying to find his own way by it.

The last 3 to 4 days were a roller coaster for me. My sister was going home, and he was not messaging me after I sent him some romantic reel. That feels like another dead end from his side, although it was not. Amit and Devyani were not talking to me. Everything feels like sleeping away. I have no control over a situation that is taking place around me. I hate witnessing myself going through another mind created pain.

Ahanaa is feeling similler to me. emotional damage is there. nobody knows how to overcome it. we just keep going and going, nobody knows where are we going.