DEPRESSION HUNGOVER

 Yes, this thing exists. at last I am feeling it once in a while. 

So last night I cried so much on the bus over so many feelings.

When I woke up today, I was not feeling alive at all, even coffee couldn't help me at that time. 

For the whole day, my eyes are burning, and my head is not functioning properly. I could feel the weight on my heart and my empty stomach add the pain. I can feel pain running through my vain, I literary identify pain moving here to there. I am overly conscious without being high. 

Even after I ate, my weight couldn't lift. I am thinking of every possible way to die naturally. Yes, naturally. I feel pain in my eyes, heart, stomach, and muscles from head to toe I can feel that pain. And this pain is so much that I couldn't think of anything other than death.

And when I was thinking about dating or something into casual sex or meeting someone. all felt pointless because in my case I know that I don't want kids like ever. and I don't want to compromise with my partner, what I want I want. and in this Era it is really hard really really hard to find someone who does not want to have kids and just to be with you. So I don't find a point to meet someone to know someone to waste your energy on someone and at some point of time they are like ready to get married and want to have kids and you are like not there and your heart will break again. 

I read it somewhere that you are not afraid to love, but you are afraid is to feel the same pain again.

At this point in my life, I feel like I totally understand that statement. I don't want anyone to get attached to me or other way around. It is so much freaking hard to process the pain to lose someone when you can have every thing. When you are almost there, when you almost had it all. When there is no one to stop you to be with the other person. When you are almost a power couple. We were power couple I know that for sure. 

People are saying that I am living in the past and I feel that too. But I don't want to create a future when I will love someone and someone does not love me back, or someone fall for me and I do not fall for him, or everything was right in either of you die. I don't want to feel the pain again and I don't want someone else to feel the same pain that's why I'm feeling like I'm not gonna be doing anything like this. So no for dating, no for wedding, no for kids. 

I still don't understand why people produce the kids all of the people I like with cars and bruises and child trauma and what are the passing on to the Child, the same thing? I'm like so much done with this fucking world that I don't want to contribute I don't wanna let any other lives out of me to be here to continue the legacy and what the fuck is the legacy thing I don't understand. 

I really feel like to go into melivur pit and die there. I don't want people to remember me after I die. There shouldn't be any Bina at the first place. But now I am here and I feel like I am really really old, already dead, just waiting for actual death to come and put me out of my misery.

This is just a tip of the iceberg that how depression feels. I try to avoid writing when I was feeling very much into deep shit. After that feeling was gone I feel really relieved and forgot most of the part that I was feeling shit. I feel like when ever I was having that kind of waves of depression I will do something suicidal and later I might have forgotten why I did that in the first place. But I don't want to come to my senses, I want to die before I come into my senses. No memory no regrets. Fun life or death.

This is sometimes I felt like 70% of time. Sometimes I feel like I will die out of heart attack. I can make this statement because I can understand my pain in my heart I can understand Tension, pain is like somebody is poking in my heart, and the subject is very sharp. It is not cutting me in half but it is making a hole in my heart. How do I feel that hole and pain and depression. 

Depression is not good, do not recommend it to anyone.