I talked to Ahanaa after we decided not to talk. parth's mom called and it's been triggering for her. we had a long conversation and last she asked, how am I doing?
I really don't know how am I doing. last week my sis came to visit me, that's been a very busy weekend. inbetween he called and made a plan to meet up. and all I was thinking about is all the red flags and how can I say to him that I am not happy. I want something else. I want you to be as much invested as I am investing myself here. I feel like I am using him for sex. I don't want to do that. Even if we are having meaningless sex, that should be fun. I miss fun, smiling, and talking. If one person is not enjoying, there is no meaning to sex. Sometimes I do feel like he is not enjoying it.
I can skip it anytime but why I haven't done it yet? Because he gives me an adult vibe. I do want to feel like a lady, which I am very lacking since I started college. It is like I am living in a parallel world. Living two lives at once. Once I feel like something is not okay, all I can think is something is wrong with me. I forgot how to have sex, build intimacy, and make other person feel comfortable around you when he is trying to open up. I feel like I lost my touch. I have been numb for a while, now aia just wants to feel something. I wanna feel a couple of things twice. I am not getting that. so I am feeling devasted sometimes, sometimes sad. sometimes good, sometimes exciting, sometimes happy. I just want to feel that emotion. enough of the numbness. It started with switching my humanity switch. And I am not sure how long it has been for him as well, maybe he is also trying to find his own way by it.
The last 3 to 4 days were a roller coaster for me. My sister was going home, and he was not messaging me after I sent him some romantic reel. That feels like another dead end from his side, although it was not. Amit and Devyani were not talking to me. Everything feels like sleeping away. I have no control over a situation that is taking place around me. I hate witnessing myself going through another mind created pain.
Ahanaa is feeling similler to me. emotional damage is there. nobody knows how to overcome it. we just keep going and going, nobody knows where are we going.
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