Parth & Malena

Sometimes I do feel like being a widow is a crime in India, especially if a lady is beautiful. Whether you know her or not you shouldn't be doing something that makes someone uncomfortable but people don't think about what another person has been gone through. they just stick to the opinion they thought its true. if you are horny, pls jerk off somewhere. don't you go out and comment on another person's body.

I saw the movie, Malena. i can relate to most of it. even if you are minding your own business, people will nose into your life and try to find something to talk about you. if they do not find anything, it's not hard for them to make something up. in the university I am always minding my own business. shockingly or surprisingly they do find my ass sexy and it is. I am not sure what I heard about me but he doesn't sound good at all. if some of the people, I don't know who are those people are; finds me attractive then be a man and say that this is what you're feeling about me. jerking off is easy but jerking off and managing to talk about someone is not the manly thing to do.

I am so tired of people saying to me that I do look beautiful, and one way or another they try to hit on me. I am not sure what should I do. what should I do with this beauty when my person is not in this fucking world. no one knows how much effort does it take to wake up every day. putting makeup on your face is entirely another hardest thing. when you do get ready, there has not been any time that you don't remember your guy and wish that he saw you and smile at you. but you know that you have to do everything alone and there will not be your guy next to you. ever. 

as long as it doesn't involve your life you don't give damm about anyone. because your life is already revolving around someone. someone special. who has been passed away and you are still there. God knows why. and Malena is right this society is fuccking asshole if they can't keep it in pants they do something that makes you feel bad. and people are there, there to wait for their chance. the female body is just a product. it is a hard truth. whether you like it or not. whether you believe it or not. because I am living in 2022 and I am feeling this. I am a widow and that's fucking hard to live. so I move to another place, I thought of the new city, new life. let everything just be in mind only and move on. at list somewhere, anywhere.

I did think many times to cut my hair, to be ugly. at list that way they will not talk about me. but I am so scared to leave that young girl who loves Sanyog, and she still does. and hoping for every day that miracle might happen and she could see him again. 

form there you can't move anywhere. you can try and I did try, very hard but each way I had to let another man into my life which I don't want. I am so scared to be bold. I have given thought many times that let's have sex with anyone. sex in India for girls is free, you don't have to pay for it. but every time I can think of myself with someone, that someone is always Sanyog. only one thing is stopping me to be bold and that is if Sanyog comes back.... he might be the same person he was before; full of life, colourful, charming. and I don't want Bina that doesn't deserve Sanyog. even if he comes now I don't suggest this depressed Bina for him. I am at a very much massed up place and I know there is no way out.

I met Parth after a year, a lot has been changed in that. and there are many stories that wrap around Parth and Sanyog. and in the bus, I wanted the malena movie so not sure which one is more triggering, Malena or Parth?

if there is a little amount of hope lies in the world, i do hope that we will meet and that time will be our time, nobody is gonna come between us. we will rule the world. and that time world will be more kind.