Parth & Malena

Sometimes I do feel like being a widow is a crime in India, especially if a lady is beautiful. Whether you know her or not you shouldn't be doing something that makes someone uncomfortable but people don't think about what another person has been gone through. they just stick to the opinion they thought its true. if you are horny, pls jerk off somewhere. don't you go out and comment on another person's body.

I saw the movie, Malena. i can relate to most of it. even if you are minding your own business, people will nose into your life and try to find something to talk about you. if they do not find anything, it's not hard for them to make something up. in the university I am always minding my own business. shockingly or surprisingly they do find my ass sexy and it is. I am not sure what I heard about me but he doesn't sound good at all. if some of the people, I don't know who are those people are; finds me attractive then be a man and say that this is what you're feeling about me. jerking off is easy but jerking off and managing to talk about someone is not the manly thing to do.

I am so tired of people saying to me that I do look beautiful, and one way or another they try to hit on me. I am not sure what should I do. what should I do with this beauty when my person is not in this fucking world. no one knows how much effort does it take to wake up every day. putting makeup on your face is entirely another hardest thing. when you do get ready, there has not been any time that you don't remember your guy and wish that he saw you and smile at you. but you know that you have to do everything alone and there will not be your guy next to you. ever. 

as long as it doesn't involve your life you don't give damm about anyone. because your life is already revolving around someone. someone special. who has been passed away and you are still there. God knows why. and Malena is right this society is fuccking asshole if they can't keep it in pants they do something that makes you feel bad. and people are there, there to wait for their chance. the female body is just a product. it is a hard truth. whether you like it or not. whether you believe it or not. because I am living in 2022 and I am feeling this. I am a widow and that's fucking hard to live. so I move to another place, I thought of the new city, new life. let everything just be in mind only and move on. at list somewhere, anywhere.

I did think many times to cut my hair, to be ugly. at list that way they will not talk about me. but I am so scared to leave that young girl who loves Sanyog, and she still does. and hoping for every day that miracle might happen and she could see him again. 

form there you can't move anywhere. you can try and I did try, very hard but each way I had to let another man into my life which I don't want. I am so scared to be bold. I have given thought many times that let's have sex with anyone. sex in India for girls is free, you don't have to pay for it. but every time I can think of myself with someone, that someone is always Sanyog. only one thing is stopping me to be bold and that is if Sanyog comes back.... he might be the same person he was before; full of life, colourful, charming. and I don't want Bina that doesn't deserve Sanyog. even if he comes now I don't suggest this depressed Bina for him. I am at a very much massed up place and I know there is no way out.

I met Parth after a year, a lot has been changed in that. and there are many stories that wrap around Parth and Sanyog. and in the bus, I wanted the malena movie so not sure which one is more triggering, Malena or Parth?

if there is a little amount of hope lies in the world, i do hope that we will meet and that time will be our time, nobody is gonna come between us. we will rule the world. and that time world will be more kind.

 this is another night of me when i cant go to sleep. i just stare to the fan or listinging all the voices who is all over me.

this is fucking crazy, i feel like i am going crazy every single fucking day. 

if i talk to someone about my things, they'll say that, we understand and it all will pass away. are you? are you able to undertand what i am feeling right now? or every day or every minute?

trust me honey you dont at all, you are not even nearby me.

LOVE

what a beautiful word!

word itself gives you hope.

i'm sure you all have felt broken heart but this is 1000 fucking brokrn mind every single day! i know its hard to understand. now imagine how am i living with it?

i had one too, LOVE ofcourse!

and HOPE as well.

everything was perfect!

WE actully had it ALL

grades are fine, sex is crazy, chamistry is mind blowing. smile automatically comes to you when you see your person, even he's 200mt away. you can understand inbetween talks, which you are not saying but still other person is able to undertand easily. when you eagerly wait for him to come to home, to you. you plans dinner dates, sunrice trek, movie night, cooking plans, tomorrows schedule, shopping details, family drama, promotion news. when you tired af with the world and you came to your person, melt into his arms and you forget whole word. wake up with him everyday and you fell for him every single day. kiss goodbye is the ritual, hugs are many. his smell drives you crazy. when he is there whole world gets kinda blur, 15 min power nep is feel like a night and a night is feel like 15 mins.

you are incanely crazy about eachother. and you actully wonder that why everythong is fine with my relationship? why we are not fighting like our parents? why other person is not being just right amount of perfect to you?

but something is not right in eyes of god, or he/she will not be able to see that much happiness for single person, two persons actually!

one fine day, when everyone is working, both of you working together, not together together but diffrently together. out of the blue one person gets heart attech and dr said that its too late. just in half hour your life falls apart. there is no US anymore. you are frequently having panic and anxiety attach and all you just hope into mirecal to happen. you dont know what why how when where but he'll show up. he will finds you, no matter where you are right now.

 HOPE is a fatherfucking dog word1

half part of your mind is saying that he will comw to you, dont loose hope! and half of your mind says that dont mek fool of your self, miracle is not gonna happen, he will not find you, he will not come again. you just have to accept that and move on. and you ask your self that my worls is already in pieces, what am i doing in here? why the fuck am i alive? why not me? why only him? why we didnt died together? how bad did you fucked up in last birth, that you still paying fot that?

even if its one and some month and you are still feeling that same, the way you felt at 5th December,2020. 

life is stupid

this world is even more stupid

& NOTHING IS MEAKING SENCE

I AM FEELING THAT EVERY FUCKING DAY AND LIVING WITH IT EVERY FUCKING MINUTE! THIS LIFE IS MISRABLE. ANY LIFE INWHICH HE'S NOT INVOLED IS A WESTE LIFE. 

 population is a major problem now a days

i dont understand who is the creator that gave ability to stupid humans to gave birth to another human. why you wants to be parents when you already is a child?

enjoy your fucking adulthood, dont make babies if you cant handle them.

 I am questioning everything that is happening in my life

from birth, we are supposed to follow some religion or follow some tradition and no one ever told us why, when a child questions their belief, they think that this child is not obedient.

now when I gave up on god, became nastic; now I am questioning everything and sometimes I feel like my whole life is a lie. I live where people dragging me. & I believe that everyone is nice and nobody is here to harm anyone. there is a god somewhere and balancing everyone's karma. 

now I feel like there is no god, no karma theory, no religious drama. people are dumb, if tomorrow someone came up with another god drama, they will believe in it. if you live on this stupid earth, it's hard to live without having faith in one or another god.

I have many questions, such as

1. why we are here and not somewhere else?
2. why is something happening in this world? how is that's related to humans and god?
3. who is the god? what is god? what he will do? where do they stay?
4. what is faith? who came up with faith?
5. what is love? what is happiness? what is consciousness? what is the definition?
6. why there is a marriage institution? why there is family?
7. why did people lose their interest in this stupid society and be monks?
8. why death is not in our hands?
9. is there any afterlife? where is this after land?

breakdown

things are changing, I am not sure in which direction.

I am thinking about other boys, I am actually seeing boys at the street. 

I am having dreams about sex many times

it all messed up in my mind, my mind is a really fucked up place.

something has happened with the bowl that sanyog gifed me. it became chipped, nobody knows how. it's moving in an odd direction. first, I didn't feel anything. then feelings came in a bundle and I cried for 1 and a half hours on the terrace. I am already missing him so much, every fucking day and fucking minute. I already feel that sanyog is slipping away from me. now my favourite bowl has Brocken, I am not sure how my feeling is bumping and jumping or even becoming numb.

I feel devastated, I am mismutherfuckingrable.

fuccccccvcccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk you god, if you are there as people say.

 i was in the library and i took a nap. it wa slike 30 sec to 1 min, i dont remember but the weird thing is i wake up and i remember that dream. this is not the first time. this happens to me before as well. mostly after wake up, if my attention was not here there and if i try to remember my dream, i can. some times dreams are the ones what wakes me up. 

sometimes i dont want to remember what happens in the dreams, sometimes i do wanna remember that but it is not in my hand. i am still trying to understand why i am having this many dreams? is it because i am not stable? or it just messing up with my mind? or that was my subconsious needs & wants? or is it actully means something?