Everyday I woke up in the morning and tell God that fuck you. Fuck you for letting me see another day. If you are Ginni then do grand my wish, let me die at night in between deams so I can't see another sun of this stupid word. I didn’t want  to see another day last night I don’t want  it  now. Fuck you god for making  all decision for myself  and  let me think that I am making them. Whatever you are running,  you think you run is not  a good company  that  you  called ‘world’; but  its all total  fraud. If life is a scam, you are scammer. Everyone is saying a thief is a good artist, and in here you are the greatest of all. You are what  Vijay Malya & Nirav Modi for India. If you are not understanding it, this is sarcasm, purely  sarcasm. I may have liked you or believed in you before but I was all wrong, & I am not anymore. So, fuck you god. I am not regretting telling you this.

 Everyone is saying that whatever happens, happens for good reason. So I imagine every possible situation for you to be not with us. & I did not come out with any possible good scenario. You are not here with us is a huge loss that we can not fill. It is a black hall size of hall in life that can not fill with anything. You are irreplaceable. I am tired of people saying that everything happens for a good reason. They are not carrying my weight. They don’t know when you are just sitting or sleeping or doing your own thing and there is a huge wave in the heart and that’s lots of heart ache. You can't move for a while, you have to wait while pain is going through your heart. Once I thought to go out and check-up with the doctor but now I am like what the hell-you don’t want  to live and if this pain is the reason for me to die than pain is most welcomed in here. There is more room for pain nowadays. I feel like everything is wrong, all the literature is wrong, there is no god, not energy. I don’t have a belief in anything except humanity because I can see humanity and can't see god. Also its not giving me pain to tell the god ‘fuck you’.

 What are you afraid of?

Survive 

Since my partner is not here, I'm not be able to talk my heart out. So I choose this platform. I'm pretty much sure that no one is reading this. And it's good thing. 

Other thing is if I got after birth, I wanna reach out to my last birth, to ME. Don't know why but I want to remember my before birth. This is my talking my heart out to him via this medium. I don't know it's soothing or not, it will works out for me or not! But I'm doing it.

 Pain.

Feels like pain is everywhere. You can't escape from it. Sometimes legs are aching, sometimes hand, sometimes heart, sometimes cramps. Sometimes unwanted unknown nonshakey feeling, you don't know what is wrong with you but you know that nothing is right.

I've been feeling so many things and I think there are little amount of pain somewhere inbetween too. I think I have felt every type of pain throughout my life weather it's low marks, heartbreak, getting dumped, broke, death of your love ones, perents dispute and many more that I've forget some of the pain. 

I was believed in after birth before and Having this much amount of pain I felt, it's like I have been in every incidents which covers pain. May be I was at world war 1st and 2rd, may be I was there while Titanic is sinking, may be I was there while tsunami earthquake or any other major natural disaster, may be I was in the army, may be I was a nurse in wars, may be I saw Dynasty breakdown, may be I was the king and my kingdom got stolen, may be my near dear betrayed me, may be I was heartbreaking and never healed.

I've felt enough that now I don't feel any emotion.

 Call me crazy but I think he's still alive. And one day we'll cross our roads again. And for that if I have to wait another 21 years, I'm ready now.

I was watching dark, I have completed season 2 and I am pretty much convinced that he is still here. If not actually here, then any other parallel worlds and I'm gonna go find him. Bina can't be Bina without him. I just know that he's here. Just like when you know that this is The Person, I know he's here. He's somewhere across the world breathing, making sarcastic joke, clicking picture of everything around him and minding his own business. 

I'm being crazy, slowly slowly I'm being crazy. I can feel that. Changes are happening in me and I can feel it amd weather I'm comfortable with it or not, I don't give a shit about it.