I don't want to do anything at all. All I want to do is lay on a bed and stare at selling, sinking in my thoughts. I can say this is because I am not enjoying things I used to enjoy. If I have a whole day, I will defiantly spend it on Netflix but I don't even want to look at my phone or do something with it.
I think about negative situations and I imagine the worst possible scenario in my mind and hurt myself over it. I know what I am doing but couldn’t control it. It's like I am watching my worst movie in my own eyes & body. I can't even stop it or escape it. And it's not like I didn’t try. I did try to change the scenario, I cook, I took shower, and I even watch a movie to escape the situation but nothing fucking worked.
I feel so much anger inside me but I don’t know how to channelise it. I am so upset, angry, and frustrated with my parents and to the god. I want to scream my lungs out, I want to cry my eyes out, I want to break every possible beautiful thing. I don’t want to have hope. I want to live in reality and reality is that nothing is gonna change, Sanyog is not gonna come and I will never lose hope to come back to him. Nothing is happening everything that I have imagined and that hurts me more. Parth told me that his family is doing great. Maybe they look happy in photos but is am not sure that it's possible. There is so much pain even in the thought that Sanyog is not coming back. How can you accept that? If you really have, let me know how to do so. Because I am so tired of trying to survive. Now I am done, with everything. With study, career, family, especially my family. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to accept the fact and die.
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