Class depression

 So I came to the college even I felt depressed for whole 2 days. I need change of atmosphere so I came. until my professor came I was handling myself as much as I can but she came to the class and said that if I am not interested I can go out & I told her that If I be alone, I will start crying but she kept talking gibberish and I am done with shit talking. as a university professor haven't she understand the concept of depression. you look at the person and you undertand that something I wrong. here, I am telling her that something is wrong but even after saying out loud she is not able to understand. I guess she haven't felt this yet and if she hasn't I am happy for her.

I am in my library and I dont understand what to do about this, I want to call pari or Trupti or kali or Parth but at this time everyone would be busy with their life. I knew what triggers me and after that I cant really focus on anything positive. that thing is keep running in my mind. of course its hurt, your ex getting married to someone really hurts but after she said that now, we both are on the same page. no honey, we are not. you bf is getting married. he is not vanished out of the earth. he will be still living somewhere around here, happy or otherwise but my boyfriend is never gonna come here. it would be so easy if he broke up with me or cheated on me. in that situation anger was only towards him, not towards the whole system, not towards my belief system. it hurts more when you call your friend crying and he said that Bina, you need to accept that fact that he is dead and he is not gonna come back. I dont want to liv win this reality. it hurts. every breath I am taking without him hurts. him being not besides me hurts. I will never really gonna see him, or listen his voice hurts. the whole my existence hurts. I dont want to live anymore. I didn't ask any of this. I did not ask to come to this fucking planet. I did not ask for my boyfriend to die at the age of 23. I did not ask to live this life without him.

I really cant be happy. no matter what do I do. I began trust issue. even when people approach me for a good. all I can think is why? why do you want fell in to this trap when at the end of the day you are gonna be alone and sad and dont know how to handle grief, how to cope up with it. people are saying that live in the moment, which moment are you talking about? where you are all alone in this world and you dreamt about this moment together but now you are standing alone. alone in this whole world. where there is a 7 billion people on the earth but you can't find one person to talk your heart out. or you think about their busy life or consequences. 

I clearly cant handle my life. all of this is way too much. way too much to handle. and the fun part about life is there is no way out. no escape. I am at this point of my life when I can undertand why people do suiside. suiside seems much easier than life. sometimes I feel like I would take poison pills with sleeping pills, and do joint. death will happen in my sleep only. I always dreamt of that. die in my sleep. if I cant get therapy soon, I will defiantly gonna try that. and even ask money for therapy and I am gonna go there and start working on that. I am done. I feel so much tired of life. fighting with my parents. handling money situation. thinking about my sister's future. feeling feverish everynight. being tired all day. I AM SO DONE.