what does depression feels like in professional life?

Hello!

I am doing my master's and working as a freelancer part-time. I often feel depressed. one day one of my friends asked what does it feels like to have depression when you know that you have tons of jobs to do?

as I am a depressed person most of my days. I know a bit about it. I have felt it several times. I replied, you know what you have to do, you know how to do it, you know how to make it possible, and you know the consequences of not completing the task. but you can not do 'the start'. when things are worst you can't complete basic life decisions like eating, wakeup, taking a shower, drinking or even moving.

It's like you are a living-breathing entity but nothing motivates you, excites you or even scares you. just waiting for everything to get over.

Class depression

 So I came to the college even I felt depressed for whole 2 days. I need change of atmosphere so I came. until my professor came I was handling myself as much as I can but she came to the class and said that if I am not interested I can go out & I told her that If I be alone, I will start crying but she kept talking gibberish and I am done with shit talking. as a university professor haven't she understand the concept of depression. you look at the person and you undertand that something I wrong. here, I am telling her that something is wrong but even after saying out loud she is not able to understand. I guess she haven't felt this yet and if she hasn't I am happy for her.

I am in my library and I dont understand what to do about this, I want to call pari or Trupti or kali or Parth but at this time everyone would be busy with their life. I knew what triggers me and after that I cant really focus on anything positive. that thing is keep running in my mind. of course its hurt, your ex getting married to someone really hurts but after she said that now, we both are on the same page. no honey, we are not. you bf is getting married. he is not vanished out of the earth. he will be still living somewhere around here, happy or otherwise but my boyfriend is never gonna come here. it would be so easy if he broke up with me or cheated on me. in that situation anger was only towards him, not towards the whole system, not towards my belief system. it hurts more when you call your friend crying and he said that Bina, you need to accept that fact that he is dead and he is not gonna come back. I dont want to liv win this reality. it hurts. every breath I am taking without him hurts. him being not besides me hurts. I will never really gonna see him, or listen his voice hurts. the whole my existence hurts. I dont want to live anymore. I didn't ask any of this. I did not ask to come to this fucking planet. I did not ask for my boyfriend to die at the age of 23. I did not ask to live this life without him.

I really cant be happy. no matter what do I do. I began trust issue. even when people approach me for a good. all I can think is why? why do you want fell in to this trap when at the end of the day you are gonna be alone and sad and dont know how to handle grief, how to cope up with it. people are saying that live in the moment, which moment are you talking about? where you are all alone in this world and you dreamt about this moment together but now you are standing alone. alone in this whole world. where there is a 7 billion people on the earth but you can't find one person to talk your heart out. or you think about their busy life or consequences. 

I clearly cant handle my life. all of this is way too much. way too much to handle. and the fun part about life is there is no way out. no escape. I am at this point of my life when I can undertand why people do suiside. suiside seems much easier than life. sometimes I feel like I would take poison pills with sleeping pills, and do joint. death will happen in my sleep only. I always dreamt of that. die in my sleep. if I cant get therapy soon, I will defiantly gonna try that. and even ask money for therapy and I am gonna go there and start working on that. I am done. I feel so much tired of life. fighting with my parents. handling money situation. thinking about my sister's future. feeling feverish everynight. being tired all day. I AM SO DONE.

When I felt depressed for a whole fucking day

 I don't want to do anything at all. All I want to do is lay on a bed and stare at selling, sinking in my thoughts. I can say this is because I am not enjoying things I used to enjoy. If I have a whole day, I will defiantly spend it on Netflix but I don't even want to look at my phone or do something with it.

I think about negative situations and I imagine the worst possible scenario in my mind and hurt myself over it. I know what I am doing but couldn’t control it. It's like I am watching my worst movie in my own eyes & body. I can't even stop it or escape it. And it's not like I didn’t try. I did try to change the scenario, I cook,  I took shower, and I even watch a movie to escape the situation but nothing fucking worked.

I feel so much anger inside me but I don’t know how to channelise it. I am so upset, angry, and frustrated with my parents and to the god. I want to scream my lungs out, I want to cry my eyes out, I want to break every possible beautiful thing. I don’t want to have hope. I want to live in reality and reality is that nothing is gonna change, Sanyog is not gonna come and I will never lose hope to come back to him. Nothing is happening everything that I have imagined and that hurts me more. Parth told me that his family is doing great. Maybe they look happy in photos but is am not sure that it's possible. There is so much pain even in the thought that Sanyog is not coming back. How can you accept that? If you really have, let me know how to do so. Because I am so tired of trying to survive. Now I am done, with everything. With study, career, family, especially my family. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to accept the fact and die.

I think have started cigarettes

 I have been smocking cigarettes, its been 3 days, every night. before that I have been crying all day, everyday. But my waves has been shifted, I cant cry anymore. I can br just sad, all day long. 

to escape sadness, I have been made myself busy with series but that was not much help, one way or another I came back to same event. 

In-between Sometimes I was remembering good times with Sanyog, Many memories. I have lots of good memories of us. we were happy couple, we still are. I went into legacies, and in there Landon & hope cant be together, fucking fate. I went into Lock & keys, Tyler and jammy can't be together bcz of some crazy demon. She dies in his arms. Its like reliving the same event over and over again. Its like I can be able to feel their pain.

I am leaving for Manali, spiti valley tomorrow, I have been nervous ever since I have said yes to that trip. It was my honeymoon place. I have no idea how will I gonna feel when step into Manali and there will be no Sanyog by mysids anymore. We row around whole Manali, I have memory in every area of the city. I certainly can't forgot water falls when I almost propose Sanyog but I had a cild feet & I couldn't. We came back to Udaipur and he read that into my notes and there were tears of happiness. It might just be too much overwalhming to me.

Because of both of the reason, I cant be into my head and I just want to escape form that I want weed there, more like need. Since I have not any contact in here, I am not be able to escape from it and considering last option I smoke it out. Just for a fraction of second I felt moving. When I was high, I feel like everything is moving, since my life is not so. much stable. I can relate to that world, that moving. I can not keep it up with this stillness of so called normal life. 

its very hard to keep yourself sane when nothing feels sane in your mind but on the outer world everything id sanely working well. Kinda feel not relatable. It makes more of sense when there is not peace inside and no peace outside. you relate more. I relate more.

So just like that I have started smoking cigarettes and now what I am afraid is, what if I am not be able to control myself. what if I need rehab? these what ifs make me more crazy. and make me more worried about future me. but at this time cigarettes are making sense to me, so I am doing it.

Do you recognise yourself when you look at the mirror?

 When I see myself in the mirror, I am seeing someone else. I feel like, the person I am looking at is not me. I am living in someone else's body. I feel like I don't recognise myself anymore. My body is like outgrowing and my mental state is really not. The hair, eyes, fingers, hands, lips, ears, everything seems like before but doesn't feel like before. My body is not feeling like a Home. I am a guest in my fucking body.

Feels like yesterday when I look at myself in the mirror, I know how she smiles, how she cries, the thing she loves, the thing that makes her inspire, the things that she wants to accomplish, her future goals, her dreams. I know everything about that girl. when I saw myself in the mirror, always pictured myself with Sanyog hugging me from behind, taking a glance at both of us and saying that yes, we do look cute together. And that magnificent smile. I haven't seen this smile like forever.

I really feel the distance between myself. I don't really know who I am, what I want, what my future holds, or what I want to do in future. I feel like living in the utter darkness,. Any lights will not be enough for me to bring back to my old self when I was happy. 

Now, I am not even trying to do or feel like myself. I am just waiting for death to come. I am already dead. Don't want to live even a second when Sanyog is not by my side.