It's been weird. I am having sex dreams a lot. last night I had one too. with Sanyog. it was not intercourse but even intimacy makes me calm. he's everything I ever wished for. he is the man I wish to spend the rest of my life with without any doubt. I am not sure where are we if sanyog is here. Maybe we broke up, maybe we are doing long distance, maybe we are in an open relationship, maybe we moved in together. possibilities are many but when tragedy happens we were madly and sainlly in love with each other. we both were at peace in our relationship. life was full of fuckups, sometimes it's studying, sometimes it's a job, parents are every time. what will give us peace was togetherness. when we were together everything became small. even if war is going on, if we are together we can sleep freely. there is not any single tension on the mind. we were everything that a perfect couple can ever be.  

let's face the truth, life is not the same after the heart attache. my life is full of chaotic situations, in this depression and anxiety helps a lot in chaotic drama. a dream with Sanyog gives me temporary peace in this life. 

I do wanna write something that happens in dreams but I am so afraid. I feel like whatever I write that will happen. I don't want that thing to happen so I am not writing about that.