why i am writing this

 I am in a family who is Hindu & in Hindu Sanskriti, we have so many prelife-life-afterlife noms. Hindu Sanskriti says whoever is around you is there for a reason. you might have helped him/her in a past life or made their life miserable. so in this life, they are here to make you pay or help you in this life. the same concept with the afterlife, when you get a new life, you around with the people who met you in a previous life.

if this happens with me, I want me to inform me that no matter how shitty your life is, you had a perfect life in your previous life, on the list for 3 years. you did cherish that for the rest of your life. 

after your love passed, your life start to become miserable, in many ways. you faced depression much time and don't have enough money for counselling.

Bina, I want you to remember that you love someone, where you both gave 200% of yourself into that relationship and both were happy with each other. each other was the only thing that give you calmness in this stupid world.

apart from the afterlife scenario, after december2020, I start forgetting small things. not sure when I will start to forget big things in my life. and if that day ever come, my own story will help me see what life I had, maybe I will remember something after reading that.

This is Sanyog & Bina, both loved each other, you were happy

.

 It's been weird. I am having sex dreams a lot. last night I had one too. with Sanyog. it was not intercourse but even intimacy makes me calm. he's everything I ever wished for. he is the man I wish to spend the rest of my life with without any doubt. I am not sure where are we if sanyog is here. Maybe we broke up, maybe we are doing long distance, maybe we are in an open relationship, maybe we moved in together. possibilities are many but when tragedy happens we were madly and sainlly in love with each other. we both were at peace in our relationship. life was full of fuckups, sometimes it's studying, sometimes it's a job, parents are every time. what will give us peace was togetherness. when we were together everything became small. even if war is going on, if we are together we can sleep freely. there is not any single tension on the mind. we were everything that a perfect couple can ever be.  

let's face the truth, life is not the same after the heart attache. my life is full of chaotic situations, in this depression and anxiety helps a lot in chaotic drama. a dream with Sanyog gives me temporary peace in this life. 

I do wanna write something that happens in dreams but I am so afraid. I feel like whatever I write that will happen. I don't want that thing to happen so I am not writing about that.

anxiety

 mood swings is shit now a days. in morning i was perfectly finr than i ate and after that something happened. i feel pretty horribal afterwords and mind is keep moving into 'not should go' way. i try to stpo myself from crying.  but i cried anyway. sometimes you cant control on your emotion., some times 'sometimes means always.'

heartache

 i am feeling pain in my heart every niw and than. in my routine life, sny time pain can start. if some one says something hurtfull to me, it will get started. some times nothing is the cause the pain but it started without the reason. 

i do feel that my because of my heartache, i feel paralise in the body part. it stays only for 4 to 6 sec but in that time i am able to feel pain passing theough in vain, sometimes  i feel blood flow and sometimes i only feel is heaviness. struberens to stay painful as they were.

i do feel like whatever you ask from god, it will give it to you. the catch is, it will not match with your timeline as you think. 

right people wrong time is actually a thing. i do belive in this shit. 

at first i have doubts when i was in my early 20s, when i am 25 years old, meet and observe many people, change 3 professions, loose many people over the time and passed away my person; I know this shit is true.

 I am at this point of my life when i can see timeline of my life right infront of my eyes. not anthig to judge but 'it is what it is' way. things are there i dint want to change anything or add anything. i just want to compleate this movie.