place i have been there but not really

 Again I am in the Udaipur. I am back garden of sanyog's office. I have seen many photographs of this garden on his phone and heard many stories. From where I am seating, I can see backside of his office(assuming). Do not have the guts to go nearby and see the window in person.

Every time coming and leaving from Udaipur is like breaks my heart each time. Even though I don't believe in hope, I have hope that someday, somewhere, at some point in time, our paths will cross again and we will be able to see, talk, and meet each other. I am waiting for that moment. I am sure when that will happen time will freeze again, nothing matters anymore. All that matters is two people who know each other like no one will meet, he will not let me go anywhere.

I don't like Ahmedabad but being in Udaipur and not able to see or meet Sanyog, that kills me into pieces. 

Dream Sanyog & Peace

 I had a dream. In that Sanyog and I are together along with his whole family. That's a big deal for me, Me and his family under one roof. But we were there. We are happy, talking, eating. I am just watching from the cornor. 

In between, we found time for ourselves. We are talking about something and out of nowhere, he asked me to marry him. Very calmly. I was the one freaked out a little. If you see the person & instand of giving butterfly, If he gives you peace of mind; Don't let him go. So I have said "Yes".

Whatever we dreamed of being, doing did not happened. But subconsciously everything is happening in the perfect timeline. If he actully asked me to marry him, at the age of 25 and 4 years of relationship, I definatly would say yes. Thousands times yes, If sanyog is there.

and i choose

 after my last conversation with him, I am not sure that we can be continuing this while he has some different thing in mind than I do. 

but anyway I decided to give him a message and surprisingly he said yes. it was a well-spent weekend with him. but what got me thinking is, my tinder was full of matches with the boys I like and yet I have decided to message him instand go on adventurous dates.

I have analysed my behaviour. what I found was very shocking. I choose comfort over adventure. That was so not me. But I guess no I am that person. It's true that whenever I am with him, He knowingly or unknowingly gives me comforting vibes. I don't have to be someone else in front of him. In other words, I can be myself without thinking that what will he think. & I choose that. what else got me thinking is, if I am not able to leave comfort, how can a married couple leave their partner? maybe that's why people are not leaving a toxic relationship, & decided to stay there only even when it's toxic. I feel like I am becoming an old person. This is the truth and I easily can accept that.

What's hard with him is, to talk. The deep conversation turns me on, I really want that but he is hard to talk to. I am not sure if he decided that don't open himself to me, or I am not making him that comfortable, or he wants something else & I am unwanted there. I am not sure what is the reason but I am trying hard to talk and fail each time. I gotta stop making fools myself.